I guess I am an asshole.

Lets go on a journey together in a detailed story of why I am an asshole. Honestly, I do not believe I am, but I've been called that once or twice before. This definitely will not be the last story that ends with the same sign off line: "you're an asshole!" Here we go...

Recently, I was sext messaging with this 18-year old, fairly attractive girl I met online. I am sure the vast majority of people believe I should be ashamed of one of two things: she is 18 and I am out of college or that I met her online. I'm not. For if I had been, I never would have experienced this gem. While messaging, she suddenly enlightens me to the fact that she is "sad". Honestly, boo hoo. You are killing the mood, and more importantly my chub. You are 18! what could bring you down so much in life? Mrs. Jones gave you a bad grade and cannot blow your way out of it? Trevor slam danced you and hasn't called you back? Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Anyway, dejected I capped the hand moisturizer, folded up the tissue, zipped up my pants, and asked what was wrong (you know, cause I'm a nice guy). This became a delightful mistake when I received the most extreme response from a girl her age I could have ever expected. This is what I received:

"well I do need a shoulder. My ex called me over 20 times n leaving messages saying hes gonna have this group of girls from a gang beat my ass n kill me...hes crazy psycho n hes serious..all because i ended it with him 2 months ago..hes a drug dealer n im just really scared hun"

Holy fuck knuckle. Where do I even start? Awesome use of grammar and punctuation. The Count called and he wants his letter 'n' back. Although, those were the least of my concerns. You knowingly went into a relationship with a drug dealing believing it was a solid life choice, ya dumb quail? I'd vouch to say that some of the time, neigh, most of the time drug dealers are crazy psychos. And seriously, a 'gang'!? Of fucking GIRLS none the less! This might be reasonable if we lived in Chicago or the Bronx. We don't. We live in one of the richest, snobbiest counties in the country. The only gangs here are men suffering from midlife crisis disease, riding around on Hogs with 'scary' gang names like "Hell's Hogs". Yikes.

Furthermore, how the hell do I even respond to that? Honestly, I was dumbstruck and speechless at how absurd that message was. The only response I could punch into my phone's keyboard was "Oh that sucks!" Haha. I really was not offended when I received the response: "you're an asshole!"