I am going to have to go ahead and say that New Years is the mother of all worthless holidays. I am putting it above Halloween, solely because girls like to dress up like whores on October 31st and that's at least somewhat beneficial for me. New Years on the other hand serves absolutely no purpose, except to apparently piss me off.
Honestly, someone tell me the purpose of this turd holiday? Resolutions? I call bullshit. How many people do you know (including your guilty self) that have stuck to their empty resolutions? These next two weeks, are actually quite amusing to us gym-goers. It almost becomes a holiday in itself to us, "empty promises to myself week". You know what I am talking about, when the gym suddenly becomes packed over 300% more than it is normally. All of these people make promises to shave off the blubber they have accumulated that could make a seal blush. All of us 'regulars' watch as you feverishly, and more often than not, incorrectly and dangerously thrust large dumbbells around the gym. Honestly, half the time I think these two-week gym-goers stop coming around not out of a failed resolution, but because they have injured themselves while trying to lift. Way to go Arnold.
Ok, so its clearly not the resolutions that make this a "holiday". Is it the obsessive amount of drinking that leads new years morning to be the single worst drinking driving day of the year? Nope, couldn't be that. Or is it, that at 12Am everyone gets to be a slut and make out with whoever they want? Can't imagine how oral herpes spreads like it does... Maybe its going out to a nice place and dressing formally with friends? Yeah, I love spending 150$ to wait in like 3 hours for a drink and then ultimately vomit on my nice clothes.
So I gave up on this 'holiday' 2 weeks before it came. Amongst my friends arguing over Baltimore vs. DC, where do you want to piss away $250+ on a hotel room and ticket to a party, I said to myself fuck it. I will just do whatever is cheap and comes up the day off. So I went to a small party and had a decent time. In my drunken state around 4AM, I got on facebook and changed my status to "happy fucking new year". When I woke up, I was bombarded by emails and messages telling me I had a 'potty mouth' and I was being mean or surly about the holiday. You're fucking right I am. That holiday sucks. It loves to go ATM and be double-teamed. Fuck it. How's that for surly?
Friday, January 2, 2009
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
A country without class...
I know that manners and class have been scarce in the United States and dropping rapidly for awhile now, but damn did I experience a spectacle last Sunday. It all started because I graduated college this December (thank you, thank you! and if you were not thinking "congrats" then fuck your face!). So, I had to go to my graduation last Sunday. I use the word 'had' because I feel I was essentially forced by my roommates (I call my parents my roommates now cause I'm living at home). "But OMG graduation is such an important event that you must attend!" Why? Why is it such a big deal? I get my diploma either way and I already have all the knowledge. Why do I have to go listen to the dean give a TERRIBLE speech, some student with no delivery attempt jokes in his speech, and experience the downfall of our society's couth? Fuck that! To top it off, the Steelers (I am a huge Steelers fan) were facing off against the Titans. I was very close to staying home and watching the game in HDizzle instead (glad I didn't...they got beaten like Rodney King).
So fuck it, I begrudgingly went. Got to talk with other graduating friends for an hour while waiting for our "big entrance." Oh, and my Titans' fan friend decided to text me score updates, what a dick burger. Blah blah blah...we are in there and were moving like a snail through the speeches as I contimplate how many ways I could kill myself with my cap or gown and have more fun than being there. Finally, we get to the notorious "walking across the stage." The act of acting, an every day normal event, suddenly becomes some event to applaud for.
This is where I lost faith in humanity. Apparently, some people could not figure out we were at a rather important, classy event. I cannot describe the hootering and hollering some of these families did. Its as if this was the first kid to ever graduate in the history of their family. Or they were competeing against the other families to be the most ignorant (I wouldn't have been suprised if they had handed out a trophy at the end). I saw, and I swear I'm not kidding, a father loosely holding his baby girl with one arm, while blowing an air horn with his other hand. Nice parenting. If dropping your kid wasn't enough, you can deafen her on her bone crushing fall to the floor. Two-for-one special. I thinked he won the trophy in that single power move.
Now, this would not really have pissed me off, but when you ruin someone else's experience...that pisses me off. I cannot tell you how many names could not be heard because some family was rining a cow bell or yelling "YAY GIRL, GET DAT JOB!" Some poor family, paid 100,000 for tuition for that one moment and you fucking stole it like the worthless pieces of shit you are. Assholes.
Ok, I am going to stop writing this one. I just made myself so mad right there I almost threw a snow globe at or around my brother's puppy.
So fuck it, I begrudgingly went. Got to talk with other graduating friends for an hour while waiting for our "big entrance." Oh, and my Titans' fan friend decided to text me score updates, what a dick burger. Blah blah blah...we are in there and were moving like a snail through the speeches as I contimplate how many ways I could kill myself with my cap or gown and have more fun than being there. Finally, we get to the notorious "walking across the stage." The act of acting, an every day normal event, suddenly becomes some event to applaud for.
This is where I lost faith in humanity. Apparently, some people could not figure out we were at a rather important, classy event. I cannot describe the hootering and hollering some of these families did. Its as if this was the first kid to ever graduate in the history of their family. Or they were competeing against the other families to be the most ignorant (I wouldn't have been suprised if they had handed out a trophy at the end). I saw, and I swear I'm not kidding, a father loosely holding his baby girl with one arm, while blowing an air horn with his other hand. Nice parenting. If dropping your kid wasn't enough, you can deafen her on her bone crushing fall to the floor. Two-for-one special. I thinked he won the trophy in that single power move.
Now, this would not really have pissed me off, but when you ruin someone else's experience...that pisses me off. I cannot tell you how many names could not be heard because some family was rining a cow bell or yelling "YAY GIRL, GET DAT JOB!" Some poor family, paid 100,000 for tuition for that one moment and you fucking stole it like the worthless pieces of shit you are. Assholes.
Ok, I am going to stop writing this one. I just made myself so mad right there I almost threw a snow globe at or around my brother's puppy.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Where did all the 'poonani' go?
Last night I went to a local bar and was disappointed by the turn out. There was enough sausage in the bar to choke 5 dutch whores. We hung out at the bar for 3 rounds or so while playing pool to get a nice buzz. After getting fed up with the fact that the only boobs I saw were saggy man boobs, I decided to mobilize my entourage and we set out for a nearby bar. Upon entering my eyes were bombarded by more meat swords...fuck! I began to wonder where all the fucking women go? I know it was a Wednesday night, but there were a fair amount of guys out. Am I insane to assume that an equal number of girls would arrive? Shit, I woulda even taken a 2-1 guy-girl ratio. I'd say at best it was 15-1 (and thats a generous estimate).
You may not know, but I am a huge fan of statistics. After sporting events, I instantly get online and mull over every stat for the game I just watched. So, today I got online and googled up a fresh plate of census statistics. The 2007 estimate total population for the United States is around 300 million. For the break down of male-female I took out 65 and older (the next break down was 20-64, I know...odd window). I find older women hot and I'd hit on them, but I am not trying to give some grandmother her last pleasure ride...yikes. Anyway, the break down is 132, 549,000 men and 131,143,000 women. Ok..so thats about even. Where the fuck are you girls? So I went deeper to the Maryland statistics and found there are 2,706,429 males and 2,891,414 females. WHAT THE HELL?! How does that make sense? Where are you sluts hiding?
You may not know, but I am a huge fan of statistics. After sporting events, I instantly get online and mull over every stat for the game I just watched. So, today I got online and googled up a fresh plate of census statistics. The 2007 estimate total population for the United States is around 300 million. For the break down of male-female I took out 65 and older (the next break down was 20-64, I know...odd window). I find older women hot and I'd hit on them, but I am not trying to give some grandmother her last pleasure ride...yikes. Anyway, the break down is 132, 549,000 men and 131,143,000 women. Ok..so thats about even. Where the fuck are you girls? So I went deeper to the Maryland statistics and found there are 2,706,429 males and 2,891,414 females. WHAT THE HELL?! How does that make sense? Where are you sluts hiding?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Breaking it down for you fatties out there...
I feel like I should elaborate more on my gripes with the online dating world. One thing that has come to annoy me more than Richard Simmons' voice is the body type category. For the site that I use, there are six choices: "Thin, Athletic, Average, A Few Extra Pounds, Big & Tall/BBW, and Prefer Not to Say." You would think any human being, college educated or not, could look down at their body and determine what category they actually are. This is not so. Generally, the liars are fat people, as I have found out. I know, you are sitting there asking me, "well can't you just look at their pictures and see their size?" No, these fucking scale-toppers that lie go ahead and select pictures as to not clearly display their body. You know, baggy clothes, weird angles, or face shots with no pictures of their lard. That's an annoying issue for another day though.
So I figure I should break down the categories for you lying jumbo-assed individuals out there. Oh sorry is that mean? You have a thyroid problem? No, you have a failure-to-put-down-the-chicken-wing-tub-ass-problem. Anyway, before this pot boils over here we go:
Thin: This is for anorexics and people under their healthy weight categories. Here is a good chart to follow, in case you weren't sure if 200lbs at 5'2 is fat or not.
Athletic: Lets clear something up with this one. If you played sports in high school 5 years ago and you haven't seen a gym or athletic field since...I can with certainty exclaim that you are NOT athletic. You're most likely fat, unless you got blessed with a ridiculous metabolism. Generally, if you are not running, playing sports, or at the gym daily you shouldn't put yourself in this category.
Average: I am going to go out on a whim, and say this is the most used, and therefore most overused, choice on the site. Average is for those who are not fat. Its that simple. If you go to make a quick movement and your arm jiggles uncontrollably for the next week...you are not average. You may be an average American, but you are above average in weight, fat...which will be taken care of in the next two.
A Few Extra Pounds: Hey there fatty, this category is for you. Look on the bright side, you are not severely overweight, just obese. However, you are not the biggest ass on the market. If you can walk from room to room without getting winded but feel tired you belong here. Or you can shower all of your body, but have to lift rolls to get into the cracks you belong here.
Big & Tall/BBW: This one might confuse you really large girls out there. You see "Big & Tall" so you go with the previous choice of "A Few Extra Pounds". No, no tubbo, you belong right here. The big & tall just refers to men who are extremely tall or extremely fat. You fat women, get your own category of "BBW". Well, what does that mean? It stands for Big Beautiful Woman. I've never really understood that though. When you are that big I think you've lost the right to be called beautiful, but I suppose I am not the law maker. Hey, you've got your own category of porn though. If you don't believe me go google BBW, yikes. Anyway, one simple way to figure out if you are in this category is go try to buy a plane ticket. If they tell you you have to buy two tickets because your blubber will invade on someone else's comfort, you should select this choice.
Prefer Not to Say: You're fat and don't want people to know.
So I figure I should break down the categories for you lying jumbo-assed individuals out there. Oh sorry is that mean? You have a thyroid problem? No, you have a failure-to-put-down-the-chicken-wing-tub-ass-problem. Anyway, before this pot boils over here we go:
Thin: This is for anorexics and people under their healthy weight categories. Here is a good chart to follow, in case you weren't sure if 200lbs at 5'2 is fat or not.
Athletic: Lets clear something up with this one. If you played sports in high school 5 years ago and you haven't seen a gym or athletic field since...I can with certainty exclaim that you are NOT athletic. You're most likely fat, unless you got blessed with a ridiculous metabolism. Generally, if you are not running, playing sports, or at the gym daily you shouldn't put yourself in this category.
Average: I am going to go out on a whim, and say this is the most used, and therefore most overused, choice on the site. Average is for those who are not fat. Its that simple. If you go to make a quick movement and your arm jiggles uncontrollably for the next week...you are not average. You may be an average American, but you are above average in weight, fat...which will be taken care of in the next two.
A Few Extra Pounds: Hey there fatty, this category is for you. Look on the bright side, you are not severely overweight, just obese. However, you are not the biggest ass on the market. If you can walk from room to room without getting winded but feel tired you belong here. Or you can shower all of your body, but have to lift rolls to get into the cracks you belong here.
Big & Tall/BBW: This one might confuse you really large girls out there. You see "Big & Tall" so you go with the previous choice of "A Few Extra Pounds". No, no tubbo, you belong right here. The big & tall just refers to men who are extremely tall or extremely fat. You fat women, get your own category of "BBW". Well, what does that mean? It stands for Big Beautiful Woman. I've never really understood that though. When you are that big I think you've lost the right to be called beautiful, but I suppose I am not the law maker. Hey, you've got your own category of porn though. If you don't believe me go google BBW, yikes. Anyway, one simple way to figure out if you are in this category is go try to buy a plane ticket. If they tell you you have to buy two tickets because your blubber will invade on someone else's comfort, you should select this choice.
Prefer Not to Say: You're fat and don't want people to know.
Monday, December 15, 2008
I guess I am an asshole.
Lets go on a journey together in a detailed story of why I am an asshole. Honestly, I do not believe I am, but I've been called that once or twice before. This definitely will not be the last story that ends with the same sign off line: "you're an asshole!" Here we go...
Recently, I was sext messaging with this 18-year old, fairly attractive girl I met online. I am sure the vast majority of people believe I should be ashamed of one of two things: she is 18 and I am out of college or that I met her online. I'm not. For if I had been, I never would have experienced this gem. While messaging, she suddenly enlightens me to the fact that she is "sad". Honestly, boo hoo. You are killing the mood, and more importantly my chub. You are 18! what could bring you down so much in life? Mrs. Jones gave you a bad grade and cannot blow your way out of it? Trevor slam danced you and hasn't called you back? Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Anyway, dejected I capped the hand moisturizer, folded up the tissue, zipped up my pants, and asked what was wrong (you know, cause I'm a nice guy). This became a delightful mistake when I received the most extreme response from a girl her age I could have ever expected. This is what I received:
"well I do need a shoulder. My ex called me over 20 times n leaving messages saying hes gonna have this group of girls from a gang beat my ass n kill me...hes crazy psycho n hes serious..all because i ended it with him 2 months ago..hes a drug dealer n im just really scared hun"
Holy fuck knuckle. Where do I even start? Awesome use of grammar and punctuation. The Count called and he wants his letter 'n' back. Although, those were the least of my concerns. You knowingly went into a relationship with a drug dealing believing it was a solid life choice, ya dumb quail? I'd vouch to say that some of the time, neigh, most of the time drug dealers are crazy psychos. And seriously, a 'gang'!? Of fucking GIRLS none the less! This might be reasonable if we lived in Chicago or the Bronx. We don't. We live in one of the richest, snobbiest counties in the country. The only gangs here are men suffering from midlife crisis disease, riding around on Hogs with 'scary' gang names like "Hell's Hogs". Yikes.
Furthermore, how the hell do I even respond to that? Honestly, I was dumbstruck and speechless at how absurd that message was. The only response I could punch into my phone's keyboard was "Oh that sucks!" Haha. I really was not offended when I received the response: "you're an asshole!"
Recently, I was sext messaging with this 18-year old, fairly attractive girl I met online. I am sure the vast majority of people believe I should be ashamed of one of two things: she is 18 and I am out of college or that I met her online. I'm not. For if I had been, I never would have experienced this gem. While messaging, she suddenly enlightens me to the fact that she is "sad". Honestly, boo hoo. You are killing the mood, and more importantly my chub. You are 18! what could bring you down so much in life? Mrs. Jones gave you a bad grade and cannot blow your way out of it? Trevor slam danced you and hasn't called you back? Cry me a river, build a bridge, and get over it. Anyway, dejected I capped the hand moisturizer, folded up the tissue, zipped up my pants, and asked what was wrong (you know, cause I'm a nice guy). This became a delightful mistake when I received the most extreme response from a girl her age I could have ever expected. This is what I received:
"well I do need a shoulder. My ex called me over 20 times n leaving messages saying hes gonna have this group of girls from a gang beat my ass n kill me...hes crazy psycho n hes serious..all because i ended it with him 2 months ago..hes a drug dealer n im just really scared hun"
Holy fuck knuckle. Where do I even start? Awesome use of grammar and punctuation. The Count called and he wants his letter 'n' back. Although, those were the least of my concerns. You knowingly went into a relationship with a drug dealing believing it was a solid life choice, ya dumb quail? I'd vouch to say that some of the time, neigh, most of the time drug dealers are crazy psychos. And seriously, a 'gang'!? Of fucking GIRLS none the less! This might be reasonable if we lived in Chicago or the Bronx. We don't. We live in one of the richest, snobbiest counties in the country. The only gangs here are men suffering from midlife crisis disease, riding around on Hogs with 'scary' gang names like "Hell's Hogs". Yikes.
Furthermore, how the hell do I even respond to that? Honestly, I was dumbstruck and speechless at how absurd that message was. The only response I could punch into my phone's keyboard was "Oh that sucks!" Haha. I really was not offended when I received the response: "you're an asshole!"
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